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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031520">When The World Breaks You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams'>aperrywilliams</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:36:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,613</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader makes a mistake during a case that triggers a lot of thoughts about a series of stressful events in her recent life. Spencer Reid turns out to be one of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Spencer Reid/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When The World Breaks You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="">
    <p>We all make mistakes in life. <em>It’s written somewhere</em>. They tell you that since childhood. Everybody knows. But when you have to experience it, things are different: it seems nobody remembers and they throw it in your face every time they can. <em>To err is human</em>. Have they already forgotten it?</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s true, there are situations where a mistake can be much more costly than others. In this line of work it turns out to be so. One misstep could result in the death of innocent people. In my case it was not like that... but it could have been. Hotch's face of disappointment when he looked at me could have killed me down in the same spot, after he himself shot down the unsub almost by the work and grace of the Holy Spirit. I was wrong. I tried myself to save a little girl from the hands of a psychopath using the most reckless strategy that occurred to me at the time. The girl might have died if Hotch didn’t appeared in the right moment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It wasn't many minutes before my own teammates started to reproach my recklessness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"How can you did that (Y/N)? You could have had that girl killed!" shouted Emily.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You should have waited for reinforcements (Y/N). It was obvious you couldn't handle the unsub" Morgan barked.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"(Y/N), lucky you Hotch showed up at that moment..." JJ hissed.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Your youthful impetus almost got the worst, (Y/N)..." Rossi mused.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Tomorrow, first hour of the day, I want your report in my desk (Y/N), and we’ll talk about what happened today" was the last sentence of Hotch.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The only one who didn't say anything was Reid. Although his look of frustration was only comparable to Hotch's. Bent on continuing to torture myself, I walked over to where Spencer was, almost forcing him to speak to me.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I still haven't heard any ‘comments’ from you about what happened in there. Everyone has already given me their opinion". I snapped with a challenging tone. It was the only thing left for me if I didn't want to cry right there. Reid looked at me but said nothing. “Ah, your punishment for me is the silence. Very original Reid, very original”. I left the place by getting into one of the SUV that would take us back to the jet.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The trip back home was silent. I self-relegated in one of the furthest seats. I looked out the window as the jet's wings touched the clouds. I could feel some compassionate glances from my teammates, but I never made eye contact with them. Nor when we get to the bullpen to collect our things. Nor when I quickly got on the elevator to avoid having to share it with anyone.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When I got to my apartment I just wanted to lie down in my bed. Before reaching my mission, all I did was take off my shoes. I fell slumped on the mattress. Only then did I allow myself to cry. In the solitude of my own place. Place not long ago I shared with another person. Person who decided my job was too demanding and didn’t want to pay the price for my absence. Person who was quickly disappointed in me despite having promised his eternal love in front a civil judge in our wedding. Person I believed loved me unconditionally. To be fair, I forgot that too. My love didn't turn out to be unconditional either.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p><em>Love is not unconditional</em>. This is a learning for life my dear friends.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>As Hotch requested, I was in his office first hour in the morning with my report from the day before. As he read it, I was standing in front of him with my hands crossed on my stomach and staring blankly at the bookshelf behind Hotch's desk.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"So you agree that it was a reckless decision..." Hotch recited.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yes sir. It was. Although the purpose was to save the life of an innocent…”. Hotch interrupted my speech.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“(Y/N), indeed that is the goal of this work, but there are rules too. And if you can't follow the rules, you can't do this job either. I hope you understand that” he stated.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yes sir…" was my reply.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Due to the scope of this case, I cannot leave you without some sanction for your conduct. That is why you’ll be suspended for 2 weeks without payment. I need your badge and your gun”.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I was not surprised by the measure. Although I had a secret hope it would only be a reprimand from Hotch. <em>Hopes are shit</em>. I handed over my gun and my badge. I was about to leave the office when Hotch spoke again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"(Y/N). I understand you have been through a lot in these months, please try to take these days to rest and clear your head” he suggested.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yes sir".</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Why was I going to argue with him about it? Was it worth telling him that not even a one-month suspension could be enough to me for clear my head?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I went downstairs to my desk. Again without making eye contact with my co-workers. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out of the bullpen into the elevator. Before the doors were closed I heard my name.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"(Y/N), <em>wait</em>!". Reid with one of his arms stopped the door and got on the elevator. I looked at him without saying anything. "Where are you going?".</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I think you know where... and why too". I replied now looking at the elevator floor.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"How long?" He asked.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Two weeks" I replied dryly.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Oh, I'm sorry". Reid lamented.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Don’t be sorry. At least I still have my job. For now…”. I assured with a shrug, barely making eye contact with him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Do you need something?..." he offered.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Don't worry about me Reid. I'll be fine". The elevator had reached the subway, opening its doors. I went out and gave him a little warm smile. He did the same. Then the doors closed with him inside. I started walking to the car to get back to my apartment.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It was strange being in my apartment so early. I’m usually one of those who leaves the BAU almost at dusk. At least that's what I had been doing for the last 4 months, after my divorce. Now I was sitting on my couch thinking about what to do in the next two weeks. No idea came to my head. I knew it would be a long two weeks.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The next day I started doing a deep cleaning of the place. It’s not my apartment has been neglected in these months, but there were many things from "my old life" I still had. I started going through boxes with my ex-husband's things: there were clothes, sporting goods he didn’t take with him, books. I also found photographs. The vast common of them I tore up and throwed into a trash can, however, I stopped at my wedding photos. Smiles were everywhere. Many of the photographs with both of us at the altar, others dancing. There was a photo of us with the BAU team at the party. Memories of that moment quickly came to my mind. Precisely after taking <em>that</em> photograph in particular.</p>
</div><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>After the photographer captured the moment, my husband gave me a sweet peck on my lips and told me he would go and talk with his family a while. I nodded, meanwhile the BAU girls surrounded me laughing next to me and hugging me for the umpteenth time, happy for me.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>I could see Spencer walking away towards one of the corners of the garden. I had seen him act strange a few days ago. But particularly on my wedding day we had hardly spoken a word. Which was strange. Spencer was my best friend, my "partner in crime". That's how it had been since I came to the BAU 4 years ago. Taking advantage of the fact I had a moment of freedom, I approached him. He was sitting on one of the benches in the garden. I sat next to him smiling. He looked at me and gave me a smile too.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"Hey... why are you alone around here?" I asked taking his hand.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"I'm enjoying the fresh air and there is less noise here," he replied.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>“I know you are not a friend of loud music. I understand you and I share that. I just must say today has been a roller coaster of things. I'm exhausted”. I confessed but I received no reply.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"Spencer?". He looked at me as if trying to tell me something without words. "What is it? Can you tell me...". After a silence that started to become uncomfortable, he resolved to speak.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"You really love him..." he said. I frowned. I didn't know exactly what he meant.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"Well... if I married him it must be for that, right?". I tried to joke to lighten the mood. But Spencer didn't laugh.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>“(Y/N), I’m sorry. I think I should go…”. He got up from the bench and was going to leave me there with more questions than answers.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"Spencer, wait!... you can't leave like this. Please tell me what's wrong..." I pleaded.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><div class="">
  <p>Forcing Spencer to speak at that point must have been one of my biggest mistakes in a long time. How often does your best friend confess he has been in love with you for years on your wedding day?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Only in the <em>movies</em>. The difference is that in the movies the bride runs off with the lover, leaving the groom behind and living happily ever after. It <em>was not my case</em>. Spencer was the one who ran off, alone… while I stood on the bench with tears rolling down my cheeks, a confession and millions of doubts that beginning to fill my mind.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Of course I was in love with my husband. Perhaps a somewhat childish love, but we had known each other for so many years that it was difficult for me to imagine myself otherwise than being married to him, having children, a house and a dog. That was my dream since I was 16 years old.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But things change. My life also changed. I studied Forensic Psychology and fell so in love with my major that I wanted to join the FBI to put what I had learned into real practice. This is how I came to the BAU afterwards. A whole world opened before my eyes. I faced the best and the worst of the world. My innocence faded over time. I was much more aware of what was happening around me. And I was happy with that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I fell in love with my job too. I also bonded with my co-workers. I started spending more time with Emily, JJ and Penelope both on and off work. But what changed me the most was making friends with Spencer Reid. When we met, the first thing I noticed was his shyness. It seemed adorable to me. As we got to know each other I understood many things about his character, just as he understood many things about me as well.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The jet trips, the talks at the local police stations, the theories about the unsubs were made much more bearable thanks to Spencer. At some point I asked myself if our friendship could be <em>something more</em>. I didn't think it was possible. But the doubts came all the times I had a strong argument with my boyfriend. Arguments that sometimes ended with me leaving the apartment we shared and crashing into Spencer's place crying on his shoulder.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I remembered one of those times. It was a strong discussion. Triggered by my prolonged absence thanks to the cases that kept us traveling all over the country. Like the previous times I ended up in Reid's apartment drowning my sorrows in his chest.</p>
</div><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"(Y/N)… can I ask you a question?" I just nodded, still sobbing. "Are you sure you love him?... I mean… maybe I said it wrong... I don't have doubts you love him, but do you think this relationship is working for you?..."</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>“It has worked so far. It's true… we have our ups and downs, but… I don't know… it's just I wish he could understand what my life is really like…"</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><blockquote class="">
  <p>
    <em>"And if he doesn't?... how many more chances will you give him (Y/N)?... don't hurt yourself more, please...".</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><div class="">
  <p>My memory recalls the way he looked at me. At first I thought it was compassion. ‘Poor woman, in love with a man who doesn't understand her.’ But then I thought I saw something else. A plea? I didn't really know what it was.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Without thinking, I let myself be carried away and wrapped my arms around his neck, crashing my lips on his. A simple impulse that ended with me and Reid making out on his couch. And boy I did enjoy it!. And I'm sure he did too. But we were both cowardly enough to admit it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>After that things were strange between us. Until one day I faced him. I needed to know what his true feelings were. The <em>bastard</em> denied it. He said he only wanted me as a friend, that I deserved to be happy with my boyfriend and that <em>ours</em> was just a good friendship.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I let it go. We returned to our dynamic of good friends. Things seemed to take their normal course. My boyfriend proposed to me, the fights between us disappeared. Thus faded the nights when I came crying to Spencer's apartment. I was feeling happy. Excited. Until that moment in my wedding party, in the garden, when Spencer left me with his confession stabbing my chest.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I didn't want to think about that. I had given him a chance to open up earlier. And he didn’t do it. Spencer <em>fucking</em> Reid kept the silent. And I didn't say anything either. Maybe if I had given him a sign. But it was too late. I had to get on with my life. And that's what I did.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A year of happiness. That was how long my marriage lasted. And not because I haven't tried. I really tried. But Reid was right. Sooner or later the opportunities would no longer be enough. Promises weren't sufficient to keep alive the illusion of life as I had dreamed of as a teenager.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>*************</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I was worried. It had been 4 days since (Y/N) was suspended and no one had heard from her. I asked Prentiss and she only told me she texted her to know how she was doing and (Y/N) replied with a dry ‘fine’.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Besides being worried, I was upset. No one on the team had bothered to visit (Y/N). Months ago it would have been my mission, but given the circumstances maybe it wasn't a good idea. I was annoyed by the idea she was struggling alone with this situation. It was not fair. None of this was fair.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>That she couldn't be happy wasn't fair. And that we couldn't be together was my fault. My silence. I lied when I could <em>have told the truth</em>. There is not a day I don’t regret that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>My second mistake was speaking at the wrong time. I couldn't bear it and in a moment of weakness I confessed my feelings to (Y/N). And it was selfish, I know. A chain of bad decisions I tried to bury over time.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And it seemed time was working. She was happy with her husband, or so I thought. While we tried to return to our friendship routine. Perhaps that is another of the biggest lies in the universe: ours would never be the same. <em>Ours</em> will never be the same again. I didn't find out things were going wrong in her marriage until it was all broken. I could notice some things about her behavior, but she was never going to tell me anything about that part of her life, ever again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>On the sixth day of her suspension, my worry began to overwhelm me. This time I wasn’t the only one who was concerned. Emily and JJ tried to contact (Y/N) but she just didn't answer the phone. Even Hotch had left messages on her voicemail to check her status. None had an answer.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I couldn't sit idly by. What if something had happened to her? Sure she wouldn't want to talk to me, but at least I needed to know she was okay. That afternoon I left the BAU heading to her apartment. Upon arrival, I knocked on the door twice. But I got no answer. Maybe she had gone out to buy something. Or maybe something had happened to her and she couldn't open the door. I hesitated what to do for a while. I paced outside her door until anxiety got the better of me. I still had the spare key to her apartment. I knew <em>it wasn't appropriate</em>, but my concern won. I opened the door and launched to inspect the place.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She was not in the apartment. The place was a bit messy, but it wasn't a mess itself. I found many boxes in the living room, some <em>half packed</em>. They didn't seem to be her things, which partly reassured me. For a second I thought she was moving somewhere else. What made me uneasy was seeing several empty liquor bottles on the kitchen counter. That gave me an idea of where she might be at <em>that specific moment</em>.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I quickly reached (Y/N)'s favorite bar scanning through the crowd until I saw her near the bar counter with a group of men surrounding her. I stepped closer and crossed the circle of testosterone that shrouded (Y/N). Seeing me, she raised up her arms to signal my arrival.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And here is <em>my favorite genius</em>! Dr. Spencer Reid!" (Y/N) chimed obviously drunk. When I managed to get to her side, she threw her arms over me, almost falling from the tabouret where she was sitting next to the bar. I hold her with my arms, restoring some balance to her. As I spoke to the group of predators still looking at (Y/N).</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Well. The show ended here. You can go to the other side of the bar”. I announced to the marauders who, puffing, broke the circle around (Y/N) dispersing.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You are a <em>killjoy</em> Reid. You always have been”. Despite her condition she knew exactly how to hit me with her words.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Let's go. I'll take you home" I stated.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When we left the bar, she stopped and didn't want to keep walking.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Reid... really, what are you doing here?" she asked.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I came to look for you…" I mumbled.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You didn't have to... I'm fine, don't you see me? <em>Won-der-ful</em>…" she tried to joke.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"(Y/N)... you're drunk... let me take you home" I insisted.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Noooo, I don't want to. I'm fine here. Let me…"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Please <em>come with me</em>". I demanded and grabbed her forearm.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I don't want to be hurt any more Spencer... <em>leave me alone</em>" she complained.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I know. But let me help you…"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You cannot. Nobody can help me. Everyone abandons me and it's my fault...". (Y/N) tried to left my grip.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Don’t say that. It's not your fault". I hugged her and she stopped struggling but started sobbing into my chest.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>We held each other for a moment. The sobs gave way to hiccups. When (Y/N) was calmer, I managed to get her into the car. I drove to her apartment. When I stopped the car, I noticed she had fallen asleep with her head resting on the car window. Carefully, I opened the passenger door and took her in my arms, bridal style. She only let out a groan, but not fully awake. I went upstairs with her to the floor of her apartment, took out the key, opened the door and we went inside.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>As gently as I could, I laid her on the bed. I took off her shoes and tucked her with the duvet. Again I heard her sobs.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Why did it have to be <em>like this</em>?..." she muttered. I didn't know what to answer her.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"It's my fault. I end up ruining everything. I always make mistakes that end up <em>ruining everything</em>…” she cried. I knew it wasn't a good time to talk, but (Y/N) needed to be able to at least sleep in peace.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"No, don’t say that. You better sleep now. Tomorrow we can talk about this".</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You will stay with me?" she asked in a barely audible voice.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Only if you want me to stay..."</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"<em>Please</em>…" she begged.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I took off my shoes and cuddled next to her under the duvet. I wrapped my arms around her body and after a few minutes I felt her breathing much quieter, a sign that she had fallen asleep.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When I woke up next morning, (Y/N) was still sleeping. I knew she would be in that condition for at least a couple of hours, when the light in the room will wake up her and make her feel the hangover in her body. I gently got up and went to the living room. I wondered if it was really wise to stay until she woke up or maybe I should just leave her and go home. I wanted to be able to talk to her, but I wasn't sure if it would be the best time. I laughed at myself after that thought. Is there a <em>better time for us</em> at anything? That didn't exist in our books.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I made myself a coffee and grabbed some of the books from her shelf. I struggled with the urge to explore the things that were inside the boxes scattered around the room. I sat down on the couch and started reading.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A few hours later I heard (Y/N) walking out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, turning on the shower faucets. I got up from the couch and started making coffee again. She was going to need it. I also started making some toast. After a while she came out of the bathroom straight into the bedroom again. A few more minutes passed and she peeked into the kitchen where I was finishing buttering the toast.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You didn't need to make breakfast..." she remarked, making her presence known. I raised my head to look at her.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"At least you need the coffee..." I suggested as I handed her the mug of coffee.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"It’s true. Thank you". She sat down and after a sip put the coffee on the table.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"How do you feel?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"The shower helped... but the hangover won't leave me for a good couple of hours," she complained. I put the plate of toast on the table and sat across from her with my own coffee. We fell silent as we drank our coffee and ate our toasts.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When there was no more coffee or toast left, (Y/N) started talking.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night." She mused.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You don’t have to apologize…". I shook my head.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Yes. I need to. Although I don't know how you knew I was there, you brought me back safely. Thank you". Her eyes felt into the empty mug.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It was not a bother to me. I was worried about you (Y/N). In fact, I'm worried about you,” I confessed, looking again at the empty liquor bottles on the kitchen counter. She followed my line of sight and knew exactly what I meant.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I'm fine Reid… so don't worry. I have accumulated them in all these days. It's <em>not so big deal</em> either" she bragged.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I don't think you're okay (Y/N). You've avoided calls and messages from the whole team these days…". I stated.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I just wanted to be peaceful, Reid. As you can see, I’m trying to <em>'clean up'</em> my life,” (Y/N) assured as she pointed to the boxes scattered around the room.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"You don't have to do that <em>alone</em>..." I implied trying to get into the matter.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Reid, please… don’t do this. You know I can't let you do this…” she mumbled.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Why not? Please (Y/N)... why do you want to keep <em>pushing people away</em> from you?".</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Not all people. <em>Only you</em>". Her overabundance of sincerity didn’t surprise me, but at that moment it left me speechless. "Sorry to say it like that, but you can't pretend things are the way they were at the beginning." She was right, but I wasn't ready to lose this fight.</p>
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  <p>"Will you never forgive me for telling you about my feelings that night at your wedding?" I shouted running one of my hands through my hair.</p>
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  <p>"Not that. I’ll never forgive you for keeping silent when I asked you what you felt before!" she yelled at me back.</p>
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  <p>"(Y/N)... I was <em>scared</em>...". I tried to explain.</p>
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  <p>“I was scared too Reid!... but I had hopes. The hopes you killed at that time," she grumbled taking her head with both hands.</p>
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  <p>"Do you think it was easy for me?"</p>
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  <p>"I <em>don’t care</em>. If you had told me maybe I would have cared. I'm not a <em>fucking</em> fortune teller Reid!" She got up from her chair and began pacing the room. We were getting back into this discussion, again.</p>
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  <p>"I just… I never thought you would do it..." I said defeated.</p>
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  <p>"What? Get married?... why shouldn't I?". She asked in exasperation.</p>
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  <p>"Because you didn't love him!!!" I screamed.</p>
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  <p>"How do you know that? Damn it Reid!"</p>
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  <p>"Because if you really loved him, you would never have come to my apartment every time you both had an argument! That was never love (Y/N)! It was your dream, but it was never real!"</p>
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  <p>"What do you know about love?, ah?... are you really going to give me a lecture on something you have no idea? You weren't even able to face me when you made your <em>big reveal</em>. That's not love either Reid"</p>
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  <p>"Watch your words (Y/N), you <em>have no idea</em> what you're talking about" I warned her.</p>
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  <p>"Oh no? Enlighten me genius"</p>
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  <p>I got up quickly from the chair. I took one of her wrists and pulled it towards me. I cupped her cheeks with both hands and bumped my lips to hers. (Y/N) tried to pull away from me for a second, but then she melted into the kiss just like I did at the time. If words weren't enough, I hoped that kiss could help me ‘<em>tell’</em> her everything I was feeling. When we both run out of air, we pulled away.</p>
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  <p>“If you didn't always have the compulsion of saying the last word, maybe I would <em>have shown you earlier</em>. But no! Always contradicting (Y/N)! " I muttered panting.</p>
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  <p>“<em>What the fuck </em>Reid?. Do you think a kiss is enough to silence me?". She pulled away trying to catch her breath and not knowing whether to keep yelling at me or to leave the room.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"No, not with a kiss. I know. Of course it is not enough with you (Y/N). I think I’m <em>just starting with</em> you".</p>
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  <p>“Where does this <em>dominance</em> come from? Eh Reid? What are you trying to prove?" she asked me defiantly.</p>
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  <p>"Just <em>shut up</em> (Y/N)... and stop calling me Reid". I protested. How difficult is for this woman to give up in a fight, for God sake!</p>
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  <p>"<em>Make me</em>... Reid". She challenged me back.</p>
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  <p>The tension built up over the years seemed to have exploded at that moment. I took her wrists again to attract her to my body, with one of my hands I took her hair and yanked it back to make her look at me.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Stop it (Y/N). You don't want me to make you" I managed to mutter before collapsing my lips with hers again. This time the kiss was more passionate and extensive. I couldn't keep my hands still, while with one I was still yanking (Y/N)’s hair, the other started to down her back by entangling my fingers in the edge of her shirt. As I put my fingers under the shirt to touch her bare back, I felt a moan from (Y/N). That encouraged me to continue. Releasing my other hand from her hair, I grabbed the other end of her shirt, pulling it, take it off her body and throwing it to the floor. My lips began to search for the sweet spot on her neck that I knew existed and always wanted to explore. When I found it, another groan came from (Y/N)'s mouth. Those moans quickly turned me on. With my hands traveling down her nearly bare back, I paused on the clasp of her bra, pulling it apart and letting it fall to the floor. An exciting sigh left my mouth when I could see her naked half.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>(Y/N) looked at me expectantly. Her eyes inviting me to continue, but I started to worry that no words come out of her mouth.</p>
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  <p>"Is something wrong?... do you want me to stop?"</p>
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  <p>"What are we doing Spencer...?" she said panting.</p>
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  <p>“What I think we should have done so long ago. And because of me we couldn't. But if you don't want to, I'll stop”. I assured her as I stroked her cheeks with my knuckles.</p>
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  <p>"<em>Shit Spencer</em>... I don't want to die without you fucking me once in life at least...". With that she threw herself into my arms and started to unbutton my dress shirt.</p>
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  <p>"God (Y/N)... you don’t how much I want you." I whispered to her as I dropped my dress shirt to the floor and my hands searched for her bare breasts. My lips and tongue tracing paths on her collarbone. Her arms were around my neck gripping tightly.</p>
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  <p>“Show me, you <em>fucking</em> coward! Prove you mean it!” she told.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“This time you don’t have to tell me <em>twice</em>…”.</p>
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  <p>I took her in my arms and carried her into the bedroom, laying her on the mattress, while I undid the clasp on my belt and unbuttoned my pants, letting them fall to the floor. She slipped her sweatpants, exposing her body only in her lace. I laid down next to her, tracing eager paths in her bare skin with my fingers.</p>
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  <p>"You are so <em>fucking</em> beautiful (Y/N)... you drive me crazy...". I blurted, peppering kisses and sucking one of her nipples. (Y/N) stroked my hair as I keep my mouth attached into her breasts. My hands went down her waist and stopped in her thighs for a while. Then my fingers traveled anxiously across her belly, her hips, and her ass. I looked at her with fire in the eyes and could see how (Y/N) was breathing heavily holding her eyes on me as I slide her panties off, one leg at a time. I put one of her legs over my shoulder and buried my mouth between her legs, nibbling on the skin while I was holding her hip with both hands. (Y/N) couldn't help but arch her back, letting out a deep whine.</p>
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  <p>"Oh <em>fuck</em> Spencer... <em>shit… </em>please…" she moan not expecting to be coherent in her words. I was decided to go further, so my hands started to slide into her inner thighs. I wanted to explore the depths of her core. Not so gently I put one of my fingers inside her. The moisture I found did nothing but arouse me more. The contact sure caused more stimulation on her and she started to move and buck to feel more depth and friction.</p>
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  <p>"<em>Please</em>... Spencer... if we are going to do this, I <em>need more</em>...". Her words made me put a second finger. She shuddered on contact again. I couldn't help but bite my lower lip as I looked (Y/N)'s eyes stiff at the sensation running through her body. At the movement of my fingers inside her, (Y/N) was unable to control her own, seeking to deepen the feeling by riding hard on them. I lowering my tongue until reached her folds. I slipped my tongue to catch some of her moisture mixed with my own saliva. A stifled moan from me made (Y/N) tremble at the vibration of my voice running through her body. I put a third finger inside her while my tongue focused on her clit, licking and sucking the exposed nerve.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>(Y/N) let out almost a cry bursting with pleasure. I speed up the actions of my fingers and my tongue and I could feel (Y/N) shiver under my touch. I heard her moaning louder as she held on to my hair. I knew she was close to her release because her body trembled at every thrusting of my fingers and slapping of my tongue.</p>
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  <p>"Oh <em>fuck</em>... I can't... Spencer... <em>please</em>... don't stop... I'm going to cum..." she said frenzy as her nails scratched my shoulders.</p>
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  <p>"Do it love, <em>cum in my fingers</em>... do it... let me feel how you undone beneath me…" I gasped trying to help her to find her release, while the thrusts of my fingers became more frantic than ever.</p>
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  <p>"<em>Fuck</em>... Spencer... uhhh, <em>shit</em>!" It was the last she could say before falling hard at her ecstasy. She was trembling completely with her eyes lost on the ceiling. When the spasms stopped, I pulled my fingers out, tasting her arousal in my mouth and looking at her. Her messy hair, the sweat running down her forehead and her eyes full of pleasure. It couldn't have been more pleasing for me.</p>
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  <p>“I think you need a reward for this so… <em>come here</em>. I need you to fuck me with your cock right now… please…”. (Y/N) demanded still panting.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I just chuckled meanwhile I slipped off my boxers and then placed my hips between her legs lining up my cock at her entrance. My slow entry produced a unison groan in both of us.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Oh <em>fuck</em> (Y/N)... you're so tight for me..." was the only thing I said before (Y/N) raised her hips without warning to feel me fully in her. A roar tore from my mouth as I grabbed her hips to start moving inside her. The thrusts started slow but intense, accompanied by gasps and sweat. I increased the speed of my thrusts in the next minutes. The desire to feel each other had reached a point of no return for both. The moans mingled with the vocalization of our names only increased arousal in us. I could feel her walls tighten with friction and it drove me madder and louder. She was very close to losing herself in ecstasy. Her body began to tremble, which made me hasten my pace. I put one of my fingers over her clit and traced circular movements on it. The (Y/N)’s moans increased in time and noise.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Fuck Spencer... Oh yeah, right there. <em>More please</em>… Spencer, harder…”. She exclaimed in ecstasy.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"(Y/N), you feel so good with my cock inside you. Do you like it?, tell me… I want to hear you… use your words…”. I needed to hear her voice.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Harder Spencer. You are fucking me <em>so good</em>. Please don't stop… <em>I love you</em>. I wanted this so badly… so time ago…”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“This time I'm not going to let you go. Tell me, did he touch you like this?... He kissed you like this?... He <em>fucked you</em> like this?"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"<em>Shit</em>… Spencer, it’s not the time to compare yourself to my ex…" (Y/N) moaned.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I just want you to realize that I’m better than him. That I have more right to have you than he and any other man. That I’m <em>the only man</em> who could love you like you deserves (Y/N)…"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>With those words I could feel how the orgasm hit (Y/N) like a train. She screamed my name one last time before getting lost in her heights. I kept my thrusts knowing I was close. Feeling her walls tighten around my cock was enough for a couple more thrusts and reach my own release. And it was better than I had imagined every time I thought about (Y/N) and what sex with her would be like. <em>God</em>! I could stay like this <em>forever</em>.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Even with our shaky breaths and still inside her I looked (Y/N) directly in the eyes. I needed to know her reaction. I just hoped I didn't find regret in her gaze. That would have been death for me.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She looked at me with a glint in her eyes that I couldn't decipher. Tears? I was terrified. I didn't want to lose (Y/N) again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"<em>Shit Spencer</em>... where did you <em>learn to fuck like that</em>?" she blurt suddenly. We both started laughing. I assumed it was a rhetorical question, so I only answered with a deep kiss on her lips as I got out of bed in the direction to the bathroom.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>I came back with a damp towel to clean up the remains of our recent activities. (Y/N) didn't take her eyes off me but she didn't say a word either. I put the towel on the nightstand and sat on the bed with my back on the backrest.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Okay, what are you thinking now?" I asked. (Y/N) smiled because she knew exactly that I was going to ask her that question.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It's just… I find it hard to believe that you really love me. I mean, so much has happened in this time… don't you even have a <em>little doubt</em> going around in your head about this?" she questioned giving me a shy look.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Not anymore. I had doubts for so long (Y/N), that's why I wasn't able to do anything about it. But I can assure you that there are no more doubts. <em>I love you</em> and I know <em>you love me too</em>. Nonetheless I'm willing to wait for whatever it takes until you're ready. But I’ll never be silent about my feelings for you again. That I can assure you. I promise”. I replied taking her hand and squeezing it gently.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"I'm still <em>broken</em> Spencer...". She remind me pressing her lips together and trying to hold back a sob</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“(Y/N). I know and I take full responsibility for that too. But now I don´t care all our past mistakes. I don’t care the past itself. I don’t care if you’re broken now. I want to fix this. <em>I want you</em>. I want to make up to you. I want to <em>make you happy</em>. No matter how long it takes me to accomplish that. I’ll stay by your side. I’ll hold you when you need it, I want to be there <em>when the world breaks you</em>. I’ll fight and support you every time that happens…"</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Tears began to roll down her cheeks. (Y/N) hugged me tight and buried her head on my chest. Then she raised her gaze to look at me and speak.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Love <em>is not unconditional</em> Spencer... you know that…" she murmured.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>"Not by default my love, but we can build it to make it work for us.". She smiled at my words and after giving me an intense kiss she spoke again.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I hope you’re right. I know <em>we can try</em> to make it work. I love you Spencer”.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I love you too (Y/N). We are going to make it. I promise".</p>
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